sneaky you

Just this afternoon, I found myself looking back as if scanning tidbits of events that happened in my life. Most part is surprisingly great and crazy at the same time. There were characters present in the scenes that vividly remind me of their significance in my old self but are no longer seen in my recent. Funny how I started with our small house along the riverbanks, beautifully surrounded by bamboo trees near the dike. There were big holes in the dike where I would catch a snake staring at me, a few times in a day. One very shiny, colorful snake even shared a space with my toys in the house one morning. While playing with my friends under a coffee tree, we looked up and spotted not just two but three long limbless reptiles clinging on the branches. This must be the reason why I am not afraid of sneaky and snake-like creatures around. I am so used to their gazes long before.

DEATH of a Father

It was an unforgettable phone call from the Philippines that woke me up from my cold bed in Singapore, two years ago.

I could only hear my mother's sob. Without words being uttered, it only took a second for me to realize that we have lost my dear father. His death was expected for it was a long battle for him and for the family... yet the excruciating strike of torment hit me and it was unbearable. It was an unbearable thought that I could no longer see my father again, no longer converse with him, no longer share a beautiful morning in the balcony with our cups of coffee and no longer embrace him again.

Today, I would like to ask a favor from you... please look at your father in the eye, talk to him, spend time with him over a cup of coffee or give him a tight hug... for me.

my niece, Maiko

https://www.facebook.com/photo.php?v=444386798958521

missing my papang

I woke up to our neighbor's Frank Sinatra songs in max volume. For a second there, I thought it was my father I was listening to. Oh God, I miss him. I miss him so much. :(

my snores

i am not a professional writer. yes, i am a graduate of communication arts and has worked for the country's leading broadcast institution as a writer/reporter but i was not that religious in writing. just this morning, i felt very lonely, stressed damp; all worries came in mind. i remembered one writer who refers "writing" as therapeutic. that's why i am taking my chances here and now. well, if it worked for him then it might also work for me.
so what is there to write about in the first place? for the past months, i am aware of the thoughts that have been sleeping in my head a few times during my daily bus rides or my usual morning walks, i heard loud snores of their thoughts. most of the time, i reject and simply shrug it off.
there really are certain issues in life that we cannot escape from. they will always be there somewhere (either sound asleep or snoring loudly)

Season's greetings from Waterfront Insular Hotel Davao!

my letter to Maiko on her Grad Day

Dear Maiko, 

I'm so incredibly honored to have you as my niece. I know that we only got to spend a few quality times together and not as often as we would have wanted to but bear in mind that Tita Naynay cares for you so much. You are a biological product of your Papa Ken and Mama Alona but somehow i see myself in you. I see a bit of your "Tita Naynay" in you.

I am so proud that you have grown up to be a beautiful girl and a smart student. More than anything else, I am so happy because I see that you have a good heart and that you show love and respect to your family.

Today, as you end a journey and will face another one in your junior high school, I know that you will face many challenges as you move forward and begin following your dreams, but I also know that if you approach those challenges with the same love and courage that you have now - you will find your way in life and make your dreams come true.

I can’t wait to see what the future will hold for you!

love & kisses,

Tita Naynay

notes from a child

i got this from Daphne O's blog. she doesn't know who the author is. this notes hit home.

1. Don't spoil me. I know quite well that I ought not to have all I ask for. I'm only testing you.

2. Don't be afraid to be firm with me. I prefer it, it makes me feel secure.

3. Don't let me form bad habits. I have to rely on you to detect them in the early stages.

4. Don't make me feel smaller than I am. It only makes me behave stupidly "big".

5. Don't correct me in front of people if you can help it. I'll take much more notice if you talk quietly with me in private.

6. Don't make me feel that my mistakes are sins. It upsets my sense of values.

7. Don't protect me from consequences. I need to learn the painful way sometimes.

8. Don't be too upset when I say "I hate you". Sometimes it isn't you I hate but your power to thwart me.

9. Don't take too much notice of my small ailments. Sometimes they get me the attention I need.

10. Don't nag. If you do, I shall have to protect myself by appearing deaf.

11. Don't forget that I cannot explain myself as well as I should like. That is why I am not always accurate.

12. Don't put me off when I ask questions. If you do, you will find that I stop asking and seek my information elsewhere.

13. Don't be inconsistent. That completely confuses me and makes me lose faith in you.

14. Don't tell me my fears are silly. They are terribly real and you can do much to reassure me if you try to understand.

15. Don't ever suggest that you are perfect or infallible. It gives me too great a shock when I discover that you are neither.

16. Don't ever think that it is beneath your dignity to apologize to me. An honest apology makes me feel surprisingly warm towards you.

17. Don't forget I love experimenting. I couldn't get along without it, so please put up with it.

18. Don't forget how quickly I am growing up. It must be very difficult for you to keep pace with me, but please do try.

19. Don't forget that I don't thrive without lots of love and understanding, but I don't need to tell you, do I?

20. Please keep yourself fit and healthy. I need you.

my papang

i miss you so much, my Papang. i hope to still spend happy times with you. i thank you for my life.

if only

This morning. I was sad. I felt so stupid. I found myself standing in a middle of four gentlemen (Mechanical Engineers). I was pretty sure they were speaking English but it seemed Chinese and five other lanaguages combined to my ears. I wanted to scream. Every word uttered from their mouths don't mean a thing. For me, it has always been word equals image. You give me a word and my mind will create an image.However, at that very moment, my imgainations went blank. It was like a mental pause.
Let me explain. GEAR MOTOR- that one I understand and definitely konw what for but to understand how it works? Wow! it blew my mind!
So I decided to escape. While they were all talking... my mind went back to my childhood years. I was introduced to biking at an early age of two. Our neighbor in my beloved San Juan Village, Bangkal, Davao City, owned a bike shop. I have vivid memories of fun biking with cousins and friends while I was growing up. We had to sacrifice and save our "piso" to own a bike for an hour. In most cases though, Nong Ike (the shop owner) would sense that our piso first went to ice pop vendor in one corner, so he would just smile and wink at us. That signals a permision that we can borrow his bike for as long as we don't go far from the shop. (reason: if in case one would want to rent the bike we just borrowed, then we will have no choice but to wholeheartedly surrender it)
  Every Christmas season, my brother, my cousins and other boy neighbors would set up a "kanyon" out of bamboo from "daplin sa sapa".  then they would prepare gasoline and light a hole on the mid-top part. BANG! That was a very clever way to save from buying expensive firecrackers.
Then, my memory forwarded fast to my brief experience as the part-time receptionist of our junk/surplus shop in Jacinto before. I was about eighteen years old when I first faced engines and motors, under chassis and other vehicle parts imported from Japan. All those junks didn't mean a thing until I knew how much each cost.
Unfortunately, I was not able to learn how each amazingly works in a vehicle.
Just as how unfortunate it was that my early exposure to bicycles and "kanyon" from childhood didn't snatch my interest in a world of "machines". If only somebody from childhood made me interested. I could have been a Mechanical Engineer now. I could have been like my Uncle Paul (Coca Cola), my Kuya Winston (Holcim) and these four gentlemen I enivetably work with five days a week.
Too late but I am silently screaming..."I WANT TO BE A MECHANICAL ENGINEER!". GRRRRRRRRRR
Well, had I been an engineering stude in Ateneo, I would not have met the same old wonderful individuals (my former classmates), experienced the same fun and learnings I had, that made me the me that I am today.
I guess, it's pretty obvious that it's too late now.
On a second thought... maybe too late for me but still too early for my 2-year old boy. Yehey! At age two, he's now riding a motorbike with his papa kim driving (of course). We'll see. I still have 13 years to wait, to actually find out his interests.
at 11:55AM today, still morning, after having all this in my mind... I am no longer sad but excited and happy looking forward to that 13 years after. And who knows what more exciting experiences Kongkong will have... to make him be interested. hehe!

rain gently falls...

on the next day...
what is it that i think i am doing here? sitting behind a cubicle in the corner of a semi-big office room somewhere in Loyang Industrial Estate here in Singapore. I am supposed to be busy at work but surprisingly not today. My department boss took a one-week leave and we have no idea where he was heading for. Unlike in the Philippines where co-workers would know the reson (any reason for that matter) why one takes a leave of absence, especially the boss.
i really wanted to ask my boss but decided to keep my mouth shut. nobody from any of his staff dared to ask, anyway. hehehe
that explains why i am having the luxury of time writing, not working at all.
it's three ten in the afternoon. i have no other choice but to stay here in this place for another four long hours. whew!
it's raining outside, raining hard and as usual, the rain will stop the moment i reach the bus stop. (hadlok ang ulan) i know it for it happens everytime. always like this, the usual rain, the usual bus ride. i will the be facing my book for the entire 15-minute trip, will be in the lift for 10th floor for another nice, lonely, evening by myself.
the i would look out the window, and would notice it's raining again. 

quiet time

for the past three weeks that i started with my work here in singapore, i have always been actively sharing my views and feeling over Facebook (sometimes even twice in a day). now, i find myself turning to my blog, to the blog that i completely abandoned for the past two months. suddenly, i am too afraid to show what i feel or to say what i want to do at the moment, with all the rest of my firends (practically the world out there) to know.

last night, i learned that my father (i call him my papang) was confined in the hospital for he complained difficulty in urinating, later the doctor found out that his prostate enlarged. i just checked in the net and the medical term fo the diagnosis is BPH or Benign Prostatic Hyperplasia - a common part of aging. the urologist suggested for a surgery. it will be done after all the necessary examinations.
i was so sad after my phone conversation with my papang last night. the sopas (macaroni soup) i meticulously prepared and craved to eat just became tasteless. i was so sad that my papang is in the hospital without me around. yes, my mamang will always be there for him but i know he needs me too. only i can explain to him things in a manner that will make him nod after, only i can make him laugh because i laugh at his old jokes, only i can tell him to relax and listen, only i can make him calm. he listens to me, his youngest.
i so miss my papang and it pains me that i am not by his side. i love him so much.
when i told him to be strong, that the Lord loves him so much, he will get over it soon, it will be better right after the surgery, it's a common thing for aging men like him... etc. i said, "you pray papang ha." you recovered from a two-week stay in the ICU (intensive care unit) so for sure with God's help, everything will be fine."
i knew my father was crying as he was listening to me. he just passed the phone to mamang and said maybe i wanted to talk to her.
no tears for me but my heart was crying. i wanted to hug him and assure him that everything will be okey.
today, when the clock struck noon for lunch break, i called and checked the two beautiful people in my life, my wonderful parents. i treasure them everyday.
thank you, dear Lord for their lives and for my life through them.

morning sickness

hi, blog! i had a super terrible morning today. i woke up early and transferred the plants i got from my mamang to plastic pots i purchased at NCCC mall the previous night. aizek von approached the back door where i was at and greeted her mama with a smile. he was always asking if i was finished yet for he wanted to take a bath with me. kim was preparing breakfast while aizek and i were in the bathroom.
when i finally was done eating and all set for work... kim reminded me of the water connection application and requirements, i was in a rush so i was half listening... then the argument started. nonsense. not worth it. tiring. immature. stupid.
hahay... sometimes petty things lead to huge issues in life.
situations like this make me wanna escape from life. one of those "earth swallow me now" moments.
what a morning!    

i write what i think

i am not sure what i will be writing about today. what i am sure of is that i have to create a new post here for it has been ages since i did. wait... i have to check for a background music to listen to while writing.... PAUSE... there plays my song by Ronan Keating from my Limewire library.
i am in the state of checking, checking my life... i see me doing the groceries, playing with my 2-year old boy, watching DVD with my husband, getting ready for another busy day at work, drinking a cup of coffee with my oldies (papang and mamang)... Well, maybe that's about me on the surface. So, what am i really thinking?
Often in a day, i caught myself thinking about people who are desperately using other people just to reach their goals in life, those who have in their minds motives in stepping on others' shoes because they want to be faster and want to look brighter than others. should i be thankful that i am not selfish like all of them?

my papang

   

It was three months ago when my father was rushed to the hospital via 911 ambulance.

I thought it was the end for him but the Lord had his own plans.

My Papang underwent a major surgical procedure called bronchial embolization.

We waited for 8 long hours outside the Operating Room.

When I was finally allowed to check on him inside the OR, my Papang was lying still in the operating table amidst monitors, surgical paraphernalia, wires and medical staff...etc.

He then called my name and said that his throat was so dry, he asked for water.

I felt tears rolled down my cheeks.

I whispered, "Thank you dear Lord for my father's life."

munai of my life!

This is Munai, my niece. She just turned 11 the other day. Most of my friends tell me she's so so so like me in many ways.

07.10.10

Lally, You have been there, more than just a friend You know just who I am and where I've been. You're the one I can turn to, any hour of the day Seems I only have to think of you and you'll be on your way. No matter where life takes me, no matter where I roam. When I'am with you, my heart feels at home. So on my wedding day, I will need you more than ever. Please say you'll be my maid of honor now, and my best friend forever :) mwah. Tattu there you go - a lovely letter from my bestfriend in Florida who will get married in july 2010... and of course, I will definitely be her "maid of honor".

Liham ni Ninoy kay Noynoy in 1973

LIHAM NI NINOY KAY NOYNOY August 25, 1973 Fort Bonifacio 11:30pm Mr. Benigno S. Aquino III P E R S O N A L My dearest Son: One of these days , when you have completed your studies I am sure you will have the opportunity to visit many countries. And in your travels you will witness a bullfight. In Spanish bullfighting as you know, a man – the matador – is pitted against an angry bull. The man goads the bull to extreme anger and madness. Then a moment comes when the bull, maddened, bleeding and covered with darts, feeling his last moment has come, stops rushing about and grimly turns his face on the man with the scarlet “muleta” and sword. The Spaniards call this “the moment of truth.” This is the climax of the bullfight. This afternoon, I have arrived at my own moment of truth. After a lengthy conference with my lawyers, Senators Jovito R. Salonga and Lorenzo M. Tanada I made a very crucial and vital decision that will surely affect all our lives: mommie’s, your sisters’, yours and all our loved ones as well as mine. I have decided not to participate in the proceedings of the Military Commission assigned to try the charges filed against me by the army prosecution staff. As you know, I’ve been charged with illegal possession of firearms, violation of RA 1700 otherwise known as the “Anti-Subversion Act” and murder. You are still too young to grasp the full impact of my decision. Briefly: by not participating in the proceedings, I will not be represented by counsel, the prosecution will present its witnesses without any cross examinations, I will not put up any defense, I will remain passive and quiet through the entire trial and I will merely await the verdict. Inasmuch as it will be a completely one-sided affair, I suppose it is reasonable to expect the maximum penalty will be given to me. I expect to be sentenced to imprisonment the rest of my natural life, or possibly be sent to stand before a firing squad. By adopting the course of action I decided upon this afternoon, I have literally decided to walk into the very jaws of death. You may ask: why did you do it? Son, my decision is an act of conscience. It is an act of protest against the structures of injustice that have been imposed upon our hapless countrymen. Futile and puny, as it will surely appear to many, it is my last act of defiance against tyranny and dictatorship. You are my only son. You carry my name and the name of my father. I have no material wealth to leave you. I never had time to make money while I was in the hire of our people. For this I am very sorry. I had hopes of building a little nest egg for you. I bought a ranch in Masbate in the hope that after ten or fifteen years, the coconut trees I planted there would be yielding enough to assure you a modest but comfortable existence. Unfortunately, I had to sell all our properties as I fought battle after political battle as a beleaguered member of the opposition. And after the last battle, I had more obligations than assets. The only valuable asset I can bequeath to you now is the name you carry. I have tried my best during my years of public service to keep that name untarnished and respected, unmarked by sorry compromises for expediency. I now pass it on to you, as good, I pray, as when my father, your grandfather passed it on to me. I prepared a statement which I intend to read before the military commission on Monday at the opening of my trial. I hope the commission members will be understanding and kind enough to allow me to read my statement into the record. This may well be my first and only participation in the entire proceedings. In this statement, I said: Some people suggested that I beg for mercy from the present powers that be. Son, this I cannot do in conscience. I would rather die on my feet with honor, than live on bended knees in shame. Your great grandfather, Gen. Servilliano Aquino was twice condemned to death by both the Spaniards and the American colonizers. Fortunately, he survived both by a twist of fate. Your grandfather, my father was also imprisoned by the Americans because he loved his people more than the Americans who colonized us. He was finally vindicated. Our ancestors have shared the pains, the sorrows and the anguish of Mother Filipinas when she was in bondage. It is a rare privilege for me to join the Motherland in the dark dungeon where she was led back by one of her own sons whom she lavished with love and glory. I ended my statement thus: I have chosen to follow my conscience and accept the tyrant’s revenge. It takes little effort to stop a tyrant. I have no doubt in the ultimate victory of right over wrong, of evil over good, in the awakening of the Filipino. Forgive me for passing unto your young shoulders the great responsibility for our family. I trust you will love your mother and your sisters and lavish them with the care and protection I would have given them. I was barely fifteen years old when my father died. His death was my most traumatic experience. I loved and hero-worshipped him so much, I wanted to join him in his grave when he passed away. But as in all sorrows, eventually they are washed away by the rains of time. In the coming years, I hope you will study very hard so that you will have a solid foundation on which to build your future. I may no longer be around to give you my fatherly advice. I have asked many of your uncles to help you along should the need arise and I pray you will have the humility to drink from their fountain of experiences. Look after your two younger sisters with understanding and affection. Viel and Krissy will need your umbrella of protection for a long time. Krissy is still very young and fate has been most unkind to both of us. Our parting came too soon. Please make up for me. Take care of her as I would have taken care of her with patience and warm affection. Finally, stand by your mother as she stood beside me through the buffeting winds of crisis and uncertainties firm and resolute and uncowed. I pray to God, you inherit her indomitable spirit and her rare brand of silent courage. I had hopes of introducing you to my friends, showing you the world and guide you through the maze of survival. I am afraid, you will now have to go it alone without your guide. The only advice I can give you: Live with honor and follow your conscience. There is no greater nation on earth than our Motherland. No greater people than our own. Serve them with all your heart, with all your might and with all your strength. Son, the ball is now in your hands. Lovingly, Dad

salute to the woman in yellow!

The woman behind Philippines unforgettable history in the world, her excellency President Corazon Aquino.

I just came from the ground floor of JFM bldg. where i worked. JVA paid tribute to the woman in yellow and gave us the chance to watch the documentary on People Power in Davao.
Napukaw ang aking pagka nationalismo. Maraming salmat, Sir Chito... Salute to you, Ma'am Cory!

my wish

I Wish For You Happiness, Deep down within. Serenity. With each sunrise. Success. In each facet of your life. Close and caring friends. Love. That never ends. Special memories. Of all the yesterdays. A bright today. With much to be thankful for. A path. That leads to beautiful tomorrows. Dreams. That do their best to come true. And appreciation. Of all the wonderful things about you.